I felt so bad for crying in front of you/ making you feel like you needed to comfort me when you needed support so much more than I did/ I’m a full year older than you but you’re so much more mature/ so much stronger than I might ever be/ I felt like I couldn’t do anything until you asked to go upstairs/ & I kept my arms around you for as many hours as we laid there/ & you fell asleep several times/ I opened my window and the rain was loud but your breathing was louder/ you didn’t sleep soundly/ you kept waking up to kick blankets off or tighten my hold on you/ or to tuck your head in against my neck while I ran my fingers through your hair/ these hours were the only ones I didn’t feel helpless/ I still wish I could do more/ I closed my eyes & I could see the lightning flash & print itself behind my eyelids/ sore & red & swollen/ my eyes look greenest when I’ve been crying/ like soft treetops against a sky stained rosy crimson with the setting sun/ but there’s nothing scenic about this/ I wanted to tell you I love you/ but I didn’t want you to feel like you had to respond/ the words pressed against my lips but I kept them shut/ I only opened them to kiss your cheek & say goodnight/ you didn’t want to stay/ and you didn’t want me to go with you


yes. me too

yes. me too

I just found this tiny chewed-on plastic hand on the stairs & I don’t really know what to do with it but I feel like it shouldn’t be thrown away so I tucked it into the corner & I guess that’s its home now

Tags: adventures

is anyone going to talk to me or acknowledge me at all

did I miss the announcement for National Ignore The Sad Person Week

I just had a dream you got mad at me for leaving school today & then you stopped talking to me & then you guys pulled into our driveway & it was winter & snowy & you said you were moving to canada & then you drove away & I never heard from you again
& then I woke up & thought “oh it was just a dream” & checked my phone because I wanted to make sure I had only dreamt it & you hadn’t moved out of the country but you’d moved to some rural area in ks & I went outside to try to find you or my mom or someone but it was this weird suburban wasteland with dead grass & no trees & red dirt roads connecting everything & I went down several of them & I couldn’t find anyone
& then I woke up for real & started crying again

I skipped 1st hour to catch up on sleep/homework & my mom brought me to school for 3rd hour & then I started crying at the end of 3rd hour so my 5th hour teacher let me stay in her office for lunch & part of 5th hour & then my mom picked me up again because I couldn’t pull it together & now I’m home & my mom is taking me back to school for 7th hour because I don’t want to miss calc. make it stop

update: I’m staying home I’ll catch up on calc tomorrow

my brother just started throwing a huge tantrum he’s slamming things around & saying the meanest nastiest things to my mom I hate him so much I wish I was an only child, I hate him so so much, my friend’s parent is dying & I’m clearly distressed about it but all my brother cares about is himself, god forbid there are issues in the world unrelated to him & his fucking computer games

it’s been a terrible day but at least it was pretty earlier

I need to get out of bed & eat dinner & wash my face & go to sleep as soon as possible because I only got 4 hours sunday night & 3 hours last night but I’m inclined to spend another thirty minutes mindlessly scrolling through my dash & crying because I’m usually a good problem-solver & a decent friend but death is an unsolvable problem & I feel like an inadequate friend no matter what I do. I was up until 3am doing my homework as well as my friend’s homework & I got all their papers for them today & I still feel like I’m not doing enough. I just don’t know what to do

I don’t even know what to say
I haven’t been very present on here the past couple days
my very close friend’s parent is in hospice & they’re not going to be back
I feel helpless & scared & worried
all my thoughts are on my friend & their family
I feel guilty & sick if anyone makes me laugh or makes me happy etc etc
I probably won’t be on here much for a little while
if you go to school with me & are making an assumption about who I’m talking about, please don’t
please don’t talk to me about it & please don’t talk to them or treat them any differently than you usually do

I just did the hearing testing at school & one of the headphones definitely wasn’t over my ear like. it was on the side of my head & I was about to fix it but then the lady started the tones & I literally couldn’t hear a single one on that side. bye

Anonymous said: Alright Trotsky was racist but you gotta admit that Stalin was anti-Semitic? I mean he had killed Solomon Mikhoels just for being a Zionist


Even if we assume that Stalin was anti-semetic, the idea that this significantly impacted his policies doesn’t match up with historical reality.  For example, how could one explain the designation of anti-semitism as a crime warranting death under Stalin’s rule?  Or the creation of an autonomous jewish oblast?  Or Stalin’s approval of a mass gathering of Jews (at least 20,000 people) in Moscow to commemorate those killed in the Holocaust?  I think the idea that Stalin was personally anti-semetic, which is the proposed motive for the murder of Mikhoels, is quite lacking in evidence, and in fact there exists evidence to the contrary:

"[Joseph Stalin:] I don’t like [Golovanov]… He’s an anti-Semite. Yes a real anti-Semite. A crude anti-Semite. He should not be allowed into the Bolshoi Theatre.. It’s like letting a goat into the cabbage patch… Golovanov is a real anti-Semite, a dangerous, principled anti-Semite.. You cannot let Golovanov into the Bolshoi Theatre. That anti-Semite will turn everything upside down." (Vaksberg, Stalin Against the Jews, p. 29-30)

If Stalin was genuinely a closet anti-semite, the only actual evidence that Stalin was in any way connected with the death of Mikhoels is the court testimony of Viktor Abakumov, which I would consider dubious at best.  His testimony was obtained by Beria, who was working under orders from Nikita Khrushchev.  In his “Secret Speech” at the 20th Party Congress of the CPSU, Khrushchev attempted to portray Stalin as anti-semetic, and even went so far as to blame him for the “Doctors’ Plot” which Stalin had no part of.  In fact pretty much all of Khrushchev’s allegations about Stalin turned out to be false, so when we consider that Stalin wouldn’t have had a motive to remove Mikhoels and that Stalin kept in correspondance with Mikhoels and the committee he led, it wouldn’t surprise me if Khrushchev sought to doctor this testimony for the sole purpose of tarnishing Stalin’s reputation.

Is it possible that Abakumov’s assertions are true?  Sure, I wouldn’t completely rule it out as a possibility, and if that was the case then Stalin should justifiably be condemned for it.  However, I do not find that to be particularly likely.



Fitzgerald goes up to the counter and orders a grande coffee black. He adds cream and sugar, but when he drinks it, it tastes more bitter than he expected. He drinks it all anyway.




Hemingway goes up to the counter and orders one espresso. It’s hot. He drinks it in silence. It makes him remember his father’s cabin. He thinks about the woman he loved once. He does not smile. The coffee reminds him of war - short but painful, swallowed down quickly. One could order worse drinks. He leaves Starbucks and walks out into the rain.